There’s Something Out There

Running early in the morning comes with inherent risks. And by early, I mean at an hour that never sees daylight. Ever. Unless you’re running in the Arctic Circle in June. In that case, you’ve got other issues to ponder, like outrunning a polar bear while questioning the wisdom of that barefoot running fad.

Let’s review a few of these risks, the least of which is your mental illness. This may make you the odd one out in your daily life, unless you work in Human Resources, but with all of the sane people snug in their beds you are likely to see a few of your mentally ill colleagues out running at that hour. Always say hi or grunt at them. It’s the nice thing to do.

There is always a risk of being attacked by bad people. This is why I run with a girlfriend who can kill with her thumbs and is cool under pressure.

I know that she’ll always have my back. It’s just one of the many reasons why I fell in love with her and look forward to years of waking up with her, at any ridiculous hour. It also helps that she’s super smoking hot and running behind her makes me want to chase her all of the way home.

Sometimes I run with a few other friends, including a lawyer. This is risk management at its finest because even a psychotic killer understands the concept of reducing the attorney population. Friendship has its limits, especially when faced with a chain-saw wielding lunatic when I’ll be all “SHE’S A LAWYER!!!”

Cars are always high risk but I still prefer to run on the street and avoid sidewalks, choosing to take my chances with the local Asian drivers instead of cracked cement or uneven walkways. Yeah, I said it. And before you get all soap boxy about stereotypes, just remember – it’s not a stereotype if it’s TRUE. Ask any of your Asian friends and they’ll tell you “yeah – our people can’t drive”. And my people can’t jump. Some things are just that way.

On this particular morning we had everything planned out to reduce the risk of injury or putting ourselves in harm’s way. Run together, thumbs prepared to kill if needed. Pick a smoothly paved stretch of trail without cars, cracks or divots. Program the GPS watch to measure and time our sprint intervals. Park at Starbucks for easy access to coffee and restrooms after the run.

Everything was on target. Fifteen minutes from alarm clock blaring and feet hitting the bedroom floor to parking at Starbucks and running. We completed a short warm-up before our first half-mile interval, then GO! Twenty minutes earlier our legs were lazily intertwined in bed and now they were screaming “WHAT THE HELL?” as we forced them to run ridiculously fast for 1/2 mile. This was only the first of four intervals and I’m pretty certain that I heard my legs plotting to get even with me later in the day. Millions of teeny tiny mitochondria cells held a conference call and said “Let’s get the bastard who did this! We’ll stop producing energy!” They are not to be messed with.

With the first interval done, we walked a few steps on our 1/4 mile walking recovery when we saw something move in the brush. Actually, Bev saw it first. All I saw was Bev nearly jumping into my arms while trying not to scream “there’s something moving over there!” I don’t really notice stuff and there are only a few creatures I might spot in the brush. And only if it crossed right in front of me on the trail. After I passed the sign.

It’s a bit unnerving to sense something moving in the brush when the only source of light is a half moon. Lions and tigers and bears, oh my. Rabid dog. Bobcat. Enormous man-eating snake. T-Rex. Celine Dion. What horrible creature was out there?

This one.

Add being fearful of Pepe Le Pew to the growing list of things to worry about when running at the hour that never sees daylight. Thankfully, we didn’t have to call into work with the lamest excuse ever: “I can’t come to work because I’m sitting in a bathtub full of tomato juice.”