What Would You Run For?

We didn’t have enough to do in our lives, sitting around on the couch and eating bonbons, so we decided to sign up for a half-marathon and train to run it “fast”. Because we both do a much better job of sticking to our workout regiments when we have an event to train for, this seemed like a reasonable plan. The first step was to decide which race to sign up for. We chose the California Wine Country Half-Marathon because it has the word WINE in it. And one of the major sponsors is Kendall-Jackson, which beats the hell out of any race sponsored by Gatorade (gag) or Crystal Geyser. Also, this:

“A post race wine and beer tent will be set up at the finish line. Several Sonoma County Wineries and local Breweries will be pouring samples for the athletes. A race logo wine glass will be included with your entry fee.”

YES, I WILL RUN FOR WINE. The non-runners are thinking “You’re an idiot. You could drive to the wineries and get samples without running 13.1 miles.” Yes, but I wouldn’t get the fake crystal race logo wine glass and the ambience of a giant tent with ripe sweaty runners. And I’d miss the wine tasting banter: “This Chardonnay is buttery with hints of male perspiration and a leading anti-chafe balm”. MMMMM.

But everybody isn’t as motivated by the words “wine and beer tent” as I am. That’s what makes the world go ‘round. One man’s Cabernet Sauvignon is another man’s Budweiser in a can. Or something like that. If there were a “chocolate cake tent” at the finish, Bev would crush her personal best time and injure a few runners along the way. Pity the poor people who get between Bev and chocolate cake. Actually, the perfect pairing would be a chocolate cake and dessert wine tent. I shall suggest this to the sponsors!

We also thought this would be a perfect race to run FAST, thinking that it would be a flat course. In fact, when we signed up, we were excited about the blistering pace that we would set. Then we found the elevation profile. CRAP.

That does not look like “flat”.

THIS would be a flat course.

But then we’d have to run in San Antonio, Texas. And I’m pretty sure that there won’t be a wine and beer tent with local wineries and breweries pouring samples at the finish. But they might have BBQ. YES, I WILL RUN FOR TEXAS BBQ.

Once we decided on a not-really-flat-but-has-a-wine and beer tent-half-marathon, we hired our coach. She’s a woman who gets results by knowing how to push her clients to the point of near death. She gives us our training runs in two-week increments, then discusses the results before cooking up a new batch of customized torture. The arrival of her bi-weekly emails are greeted with joyful sounds loud curses and a whole lot of “she’s got to be F-ing kidding”. Then we figure out how to fit in all of her workouts, even if it means running in the middle of the night, because we’re afraid of our coach and don’t want to tell her that we chose sleep over a training run. She scares us.

Now, I know what all of you non-runners are thinking. Unless you’re being chased by an angry mob trying to force you to listen to Celine Dion songs, there’s no logical reason to run. Survival of the species no longer depends on man’s ability to run. So why bother running at all?

I suppose that’s a personal question with many possible answers. Some run to win races, others do it just for the “runner’s high”. I’ve run some races for special causes and late in every single marathon, when I want to lay down on the curb and go to sleep, I run for my Mom because she can’t. And sometimes I’ll just run for wine. Or BBQ.

What would you run for?